


You are not alone

by Bard_the_Bowman



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comforting Sirius, Depressed Remus, Depression, Gen, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 13:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9325004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bard_the_Bowman/pseuds/Bard_the_Bowman
Summary: "You're addicted. You're addicted, Remus. You have to stop."





	

Remus lay curled up in his bed, shaking. He was so angry and so sad and so _numb_ and he couldn't deal with it anymore. It was too much. Everything was too much and he wasn't strong, he was weak and everyone expected too much of him and he just _couldn't._

Remus' hand balled itself into a fist. 

_No,_ thought Remus. _Stay strong._

Part of him didn't want to stay strong. His brain was fighting a war against itself and it was exhausting. 

_9 days clean,_ Remus reminded himself. _Come on, Rem. Don't fuck this up now._

Remus hated being like this. He was supposed to be past all this bullshit. He'd managed to stop before with no problem. The scars on his legs had remained to remind him of this. That was almost a year ago, now. Then last month, he'd caved in. It had just got to be too much. 

_One more scratch,_ he'd reasoned with himself. _One more can't be too bad, right? One more, just to take the pain away and let me feel free for a while._

He was right. It worked. He'd felt so much better, so happy and carefree and he didn't even feel as ashamed as he should have been as to what he'd done. 

_It's not like I_ cut _or anything._ he'd told himself. _It's not really self-harm. I'm not bleeding. It's only one layer of skin. And then getting to pick off scabs have the same effect._

Sirius had seen the scars then, after Remus had managed to stop. 

"What are those?" He'd asked. 

"What are what?"

"The scars. Where did you get them, Remus?"

Remus had felt his blood run cold. "You know where I got them." He lied. "In the shrieking shack, like all my others."

"Remus. I know they're not from the shack." Sirius took his hands and looked into his eyes. "Please, don't."

Remus dropped his head, not able to meet Sirius' gaze. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I've stopped. I won't do it again, I swear."

Sirius pulled him in for a hug. "Hey, I'm here for you."

"Don't tell the others." Remus gripped onto the back of Sirius' jacket, hiding his face in the gap between his friend's neck and shoulder. "Please."

"I won't." Sirius told him. "I won't. I've got you."

After that, Remus didn't even need to try. He didn't want to hurt himself, to scratch his legs until the skin gave way and there was a raw, pink line that stung when he stood in the shower. He had no reason to.

Until last month. It had all got too much and there'd been an overload of information and he couldn't handle it and he'd panicked and after a week of struggling he'd finally caved in and scratched his leg above his ankle. 

Sirius hadn't been mad. He hadn't even been disappointed. He'd only been sad for Remus. He wanted to help. But there wasn't really anything to be done. The only thing that Remus could do was sit through it, try and ignore the urges and the itches his legs gave him in anticipation of being scratched. 

Then 18 days later, Remus had cracked again. This time, he hadn't scratched himself. He'd been sitting in the dorm room, alone, just gazing down at his lap and trying not to do it. Nothing had really triggered it this time, just everything had seemed too much. He was tired. He was bitter. He was angry at himself. So this time, he balled his hand into a fist and drew it back, punching himself in the knee as he sat. 

Then another hit. Then another. Then two more. Now he was raining down the punches on his own knee hard and fast, until after a minute he stopped and flipped backwards onto his bed, panting. He could feel his knee aching, and it was a good ache. He wasn't frustrated anymore; all the anger and sadness and bitternes had leaked out of him. 

Before they went to bed, Remus checked his knee. There was a very slight tinge of blue around the top of his kneecap. The next morning, he checked again. There was a beautiful blossoming of blue and purple. 

Remus knew he shouldn't, but he felt proud of this bruise. It was a good bruise. 

Sirius was not impressed. "We've been over this, Rem. It's bad. I would do anything to help."

"I know." Remus had mumbled. "I'm sorry."

Then another 11 days passed, and Remus broke again. This time his shoulder was the victim. A fantastic purple bruise and some slight swelling replaced the now faded bruise on his knee. Remus was happy with this one too. Sirius avoided talking about it, being at a loss as to what to say.

The very next night, Remus felt overloaded again. Another bruise made its way onto his inner forearm, replacing his feelings and letting out the mental pain in a physical one. Bruises were easier to hide. Nobody suspected anything. Remus was known for bruising easily, and with the nights in the shrieking shack as a cover it could be explained away. He hadn't even told Sirius when it happened this time, but of course he ended up telling him the next day anyway.

"You're addicted." Sirius said. "You're addicted, Remus. You have to stop. It's hurting me, too. Please. Do it for me."

So Remus had tried. He'd struggled through 9 days of trying to stay clean. And now here he was, phantom aches appearing on his body as his mind tried to pick the next place to punch. Remus' hands balled themselves up and went for his hips. Then they clawed up his stomach, scraping their nails along his scarred flesh. 

Remus wasn't even crying. He couldn't cry. He was only numb, lying in pain and exhaustion from the war going on inside his head and the agony in his heart as it felt like it was being slowly squeezed in a vice.

 _Do it for Sirius,_ he reminded himself. _even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him._

His brain jeered. His hands twitched. His left shoulder, hip and calf were aching as his brain flicked between them, trying to choose where to go. 

"Come on." He muttered. "Come on, Remus. Don't be so weak. All you are is weak. Just be strong for once in your life."

 _You_ are _strong._ Sirius' voice echoed around his head, beating back the voices. _You're still here, aren't you? You're still fighting. You're so brave, Remus. You really are._

Remus' eyes welled up and he brought his hands up, unclenching them slightly so he could press his palms to stop the tears spilling over. Then angrily, he drew back a fist and landed a punch squarely on his left leg, right over the scar from that scratch last month.

"Remus?" 

Sirius had appeared.

"They won't stop." Remus whimpered. "They won't shut up. They won't leave me alone."

He drew back his fist again, but Sirius caught it. 

Remus crumpled. 

"Help me, Sirius. Please."

Sirius sat next to him and hugged him, letting go of his wrist. "I'm here, Rem. I've got you. You're not alone."


End file.
